Thursday, November 13, 2008

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

it seems so true... try it. CLICK!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

the day has finally arrived for mi to realise all the foolish things i've done in the past...
nth will change the fact dat i'm just a selffish freak who will do anithing just to please miself...
thats wad happens with mi sch, and mi grandma...
for the sake of having more rest, i've skipped alot of lectures in sch which caused mi downfall in grades...
for the sake of having more fun tyms with mi frens whom i've nt met for long, i've missed the chance for mi to meet mi grandma for the last tym...
wth is wrong wif mi??

in this world, people are meant to interact and enjoy each others company. but there are always a minority group of people who feels left out or just cant stand to have people around them. is dis wad the world is meant to be?? or is the world lik dis so that it is equal??? but wad equality is dere here in dis case??

i'm so sorry if i've ever done anithing to hurt you... words can be a lethal weapon... temper is like a ferocious monster... i've never thought that i'll show dat side of mi infront of others except mi family... but apparently, one cant hide its character for long... i'm sorry everyone, from pri sch to sec sch to poly... i'm sorri for shouting at you... i'm sorri for hitting you... life has never been dis down bfore...

everything is the same... but everything is different... life still goes on, but you are gone... may you rest in peace in the netherworld... and protect the whole family from any tears...

can't step into ani1's hse for 3 years...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

why didn't i visit her yesterday??
why didn't i visit her after work??
why didn't i make full use of the last wk wif her??
why do ppl oli noe wad to treasure aft losing dem??
everything is so sudden...
she was discharged ytd...
she was at home today...
she had left us today...
i'm so useless not able to do anithing for her...
i'm so unfilial to not visit her for the past week...
i'm so idiotic to go out wif sterrs- instead of visiting her...
i'm super super 2pid to not visit when i hav the tym...
now everything is gone.
in just less than 24hrs.
n i'm not by her side.
i've not been by her side for a single moment.
i'm a medical student...
i should noe that septicemia is very serious...
i should noe that by seeing her on the IVT and anitibiotic drip...
but i'm so stupid to actually believe wad the nurse told mi...
and i so sorry for believing it...

i'm having a great tym wif sterrs- ytd. 
yet i didn't realise her suffering due to mi absence...
i should hav visited her b4 mting sterrs-.
yet i chose to stay at hm n rest...
now she's gone, forever gone...
with nt a single look at mi for the last tym, n nt a single look for mi at her.

why do mi tears keep flowing out??
i do not feel anithing inside mi...
but tears are flowing out...
i think there's sth wrong wif mi eyes...
it shouldn't hav so much water as i hav dry eyes...
i'm sorry for nt being dere.. 미안해요,사랑해요.

rest in peace

Friday, August 15, 2008

why izit that troubles are always followed by troubles?? previously it was ah mah, now it was mum... mi mum is in her early 50s, n she had a stroke... she had been diagnosed wif hypertension, hyperglycemia, n she had high cholesterol... see, dats the result of not listening to the words of others and drinking so much soft drinks and eating so much oily stuffs... 

wads adding to the trouble is that mi sis did not manage to get through her university life... she failed her exams once again... its been the 2nd tym although no 1 speak about it... n this tym, she finally told us abt retaining...

i have no mood to study... 1 week to exams and 4 days to term test and yet, i'm still doing nothing... i just hope that she'll be find after all the physiotherapy... n all the best for mi non-study exams...

tired and more tired...

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

finally out from the hospital... everything is going on quite smoothly... everything is still the same... same old idiotic school... same old noisy house... same old isolated and abandoned me... thanx sisters, for bringing mi laughter on fri... its been so long since i actually laugh mi heart out... seriously, i'm laughing from deep within mi heart, although it lasted onli a few seconds... tears are following the laughter... and once again, i've proven that i'm  a good actor coz none of u realized that its not the tears of happiness... but aniway, thanx for being there when i needed someone to accompany mi... even if its just being there without doing anithing, without listening to mi, without talking to mi... thanx every1... i'm feeling better... at least for now... 

but new problems arises... exams are coming soon... i'm not even a little prepared for it... i've failed almost all mi quizzes for this 2 months... and its affecting mi GPA... thanx bear for asking mi out to study... but i'm not sure if it will be effective to mi given mi current situation... i'm not able to focus... i know that its important, but i just don't feel the urgency and need to study... y is this always happening to mi?? y m i always doing or feeling like that when it comes to major examinations? its the same with prelim, the same with O' Levels, the same with last 2 sem exams and now, its the same with this coming exams... i know i need someone to talk to... but i don't really like to talk to others about the real problems that i faced... but what's worst now is that i don't even know what had happened... maybe god can give mi an answer, but i don't believe in gods... maybe friends can give mi an answer, but i've got not much close friends, and all mi close friends are busy, i don't want to bother them with mi problems when they're having A' Levels soon... maybe i should do some self reflections to find the answer, but i'm only able to do that when i go back to sgss... conclusion: there's no one, no place, and no chance for mi to find the answer to mi unknown question...

recently, i can't even express myself properly... mi speech becomes unclear... and i stammer alot... i keep saying the wrong things and i couldn't process what is on mi brain and what i'm going to say... i must be going mad... just let mi die... i wished that i've never ever existed...

                                                                                                                  wishing for eternal goodbye 

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

things are getting really bad... i'm sorri if i offended ani1 for the past 2 mnts... and i'm sorri if i scared ani1 for the past few weeks by crying suddenly in school or on the bus... i noe i'm just thinking too much, or rather, i'm not looking at things from the bright side. but its really hard for mi to accept the fact... i noe that the truth is always cruel, but i'm just scared to even think of wad is gonna happen... 

Yi n Fang, thanx for talking me thru all this, but i still cant make myself accept the fact that she's going to be gone somedae... yvonee, sorri for crying infront of u dat dae... i'm so sorri...

Since young, ive learnt to keep mi tears to myself in the darkness of the night or to mi most close and trusted friends. although i can't control my anger, i'm able to hide all mi sadness or disappointment from every1. but its different dis tym... i'm trying really hard to act as if nth has happened for the past 2 mnts, but its really hard to act as if nth has happened in sch and @ the hospital dis few daes... 

grandma just had a blood transfusion on wed, and her functional status has drop to D. she's nt eatign anithing and has to be fed milk via the tube directly to the stomach... even her talking ability has decreased... we can't make out what she's trying to tell us now... many ppl said dat grandma is very strong, as she is already 90, turning 91 in 5 mnts tym... but why must leave us?? why must she suffer so much before leaving us?? we'r hoping dat she'll recover, but its been over 2 mnts since she's 1st admitted to the hospital... is she really able to recover?? i dunno... 

sch work is piling up, my grades are dropping... i cant slp @ night, but feels damn slping in the morn... i have no social life, the onli place i go beside home is just sch and hospital... i have tons of work to be handed in tml, but i still typing mi way thru here... ppl always say dat i show signs of depression, mayb i'm suffering from 1 right nw... i wished for a shoulder to cry on, for a listening ear to speak to, but non will b available... i dread going hm nowadaes, hm reminds me of the tym spent tgt wif her... but sgss is gone, gone forever... i have no place to go to when i'm feeling down or feel lik crying, i can onli return hm n cry in my bed... i wished i could just cry out infront of every1, ani1... but dey seem to have prepared for the worst... hw can i cry infront of dem?? in ppl's eyes, i'm just some 2pid girl who can't control her hot temper and is always pulling a long face... do dey even think that i would cry?? i'm nt as strong as every1 think i m. n nw, after writing dis post, its backing to acting again...
                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                            get well soon...

Monday, June 30, 2008

i think i'm too friendly... met Xiang Ming @ TM 2dae & i called out to him even though he was on the fone... apparently, he cant hear mi, so i tried to hit him & he finally looked over. 
well... he had this "hu r u?" look on his face... & wad happened after dat was so damn embarrassing!!!
he told the other person on the fone to wait, & was waiting for mi 2 say sth... but all i said was: 
" hello!! bye!!" 
...
... ...
wad m i doing??? i dunno... guess i'm going crazy... after so much dat has happened... get well soon... if u ever pass away, our family will b worst den b4... i guess we'll nt even mt during chinese new year if u were to pass away... mi family will split!!! n dats wad i hate most... nw dat sgss is gone, i have no place to seek refuge... dere's no place dat i can go when i feel lik crying, when i dun feel lik going hm, when i just wan a break frm all dis things... i'm scared of turning back into the old mi, the quiet and anti-social mi, but everything is nt going according to wad i expect... mi frens r leaving mi, u r leaving mi, n i'm leaving mi... i'm scared of the tears dat comes everynite in the old mi... but no 1 noes wad will happen in the future, i'm oso scared of the nw mi when i started to sense the change... mayb, its just better to return to the old mi...
helpless, hopeless